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Creative Writing Course - University of Wales 2012

As the culmination of the Writing for Radio module, we selected two scripts to produce in December 2012.

THE CARPET CAPER

PRODUCTION TEAM

Writer: Samuel Boyce-Miles Director: Shaun MacLoughlin
Studio Manager: Richard Jeffrey-Gray Script Editor and Post Production: Tom Bennett
Executive Producer: Vanessa Dodd

CAST

JULES Ryan Nolan BORIS Steve Bond
NEWS REPORTER Sarah Louise Johnson SECURITY GUARD Hammi Bilkha
CAMERA MAN and CARPET MOVER Angelo Gauci ANNOUNCER Mel Rankin

SCRIPT

SCENE 1

OUTSIDE: A FOREIGN EMBASSY; LONDON

ATMOS: A MIXED CROWD OF PROTESTERS AND SUPPORTERS (MALE AND FEMALE) ARE CHANTING INDISTINGUISHABLY.
FEMALE NEWS REPORTER: Ok, are we ready? Does the microphone work? Get the camera on me with the crowd in the background.
CAMERA MAN: Rolling in 5, 4, 3, 2..
FEMALE NEWS REPORTER:
In the Studio, Actors
Hammi and Steve and playwright, Sam
(CONFIDENTLY) I am reporting from outside one of London's foreign embassies, where for the past six months, editor and journalist JULES AZZBY, has been seeking refuge. As many know, he is the co-founder and primary editor of the confidential document and information revealing website known as -

(COUGH OBSCURES NAME OF WEBSITE)

It looks as if Mr AZZBY is about to step out onto the balcony...

SOME MEMBERS OF THE CROWD CHEER LOUDLY AS JULES WALKS ONTO THE BALCONY].

There is a very strong chance he is going to address the crowd.

ENTER JULES
JULES: Ladies and Gentlemen. I believe in a world where the public right for the freedom of information does not have to be fought for. I believe in a world where governments possessing knowledge of illicit doings, or parliaments that engage in acts of corruption, should not be shielded from those the information concerns. I refer to us, the people of the free-world. I refer to our children, and our children's children, and our children's children's children.

(F/X: A MEMBER OF THE CROWD BEGINS HECKLING JULES. SOON MORE AND MORE PEOPLE JOIN IN

(STRUGGLING) There are people all over the whole world; people who live in Britain and Ireland... there are people who live in London... there are people in London... (FRUSTRATED AND ANGRY) Aww, shut up!

F/X JULES GOES BACK INSIDE AND SLAMS THE WINDOW

SCENE 2

( INSIDE: JULES APPARTMENT; SITTING ROOM)
JULES: Stupid British general public. I've been shut up in this building for the last six months, so I stick my head out the window and try to remind them why I'm in here, and all those stupid people can do is shout 'boo, boo'.

(F/X KNOCKING ON THE DOOR. THE KNOCKING CONTINUES)

Communicating with them always feels like I'm urinating on an electric fence. Who do they think I am, Beelzebub? I may as well grow a pantomime villain's moustache and horns. See if they listen to me then. Doubt it. (TAKING NOTICE OF THE KNOCKING) Man, that sound is really irritating. How on earth am I supposed to contemplate the meaning of my existence with that banging going on?

(F/X JULES APPROACHES THE DOOR - KNOCKING CRESCENDOS)

It better not be Lady Goo-Goo or whatever that singer's name is. That had got to have been the worst dinner date I've ever had. I had to pay for the pizza to be delivered and everything, including tip. Who is it?

(F/X: THE KNOCKING PAUSES ONLY TO BEGIN AGAIN)

I said who is it - oh what's the point, you obviously don't want to tell me. I'll be dammed if I'm not stabbed as soon as I open the door.

(F/X: JULES OPENS THE DOOR).

Sorry I don't do autographs. Hey, who are you shoving?

(F/X: BORIS PUSHES JULES OUT OF THE WAY. JULES GRUNTS AND FALLS TO THE GROUND)
BORIS: Sorry 'bout that. There's a big crowd outside and I wanted to get inside quick before any of 'em spotted me gettin' in.
JULES: Who the bloody hell are you - wait... Boris? Boris from Sidney? What on earth are you doing here? And... and why are you dressed up like a wizard?!
BORIS: I'm not dressed as a wizard, these are my Grand-Father's robes - he was a Head Free Mason. It's my disguise, so nobody'll recognise me.
JULES: (EXASPERATED) You're dressed like a wizard! What type of a disguise is that? And... and more to the point, nobody knows who you are. You're not famous, you're not a celebrity. You don't need a disguise.

(F/X: JULES SHUTS THE DOOR).

What are you doing here?
BORIS: It's quite a funny story really. You sees, I was lying in bed just a few days ago, thinking of you actually. I always think things about you when I can't sleep.
JULES: I would have rather not known that.
BORIS: No, no, no, not like that. I was lying in bed awake, thinking of you and your current situation and all that, when suddenly, I got this fantastic idea, one that could really work - I'm gonna help you escape.
JULES: You came all this way just so that you can joke with me. You're no better than the groupies outside.
BORIS: No, I mean it, I got it all planned out. Put the kettle on, this may take a while, although it's quite simple really. I'm gonna dress up and pretend to be one of those carpet- removal people, see. I'll bring a large rolled up carpet into the apartment and -
JULES: Boris, look, I'm sure you must have suffered many long and sleepless nights thinking up this wonderful plan. But you can't just barge in here unannounced. This is a foreign embassy. I mean, it must have been about... I don't know... ten years since we last spoke, in Sidney. And now, you arrive in this country, you get past security dressed in an idiotic and illogical fashion purely so you can tell me in person that you are gonna break me outta here.
BORIS: Yeah. I thought you'd be happy.
JULES: Happy to have received a phone call, but this... this is too much without warning. And as for your so called plan, I'm already in deep trouble with the police.
BORIS: I know, I read the papers, and that's why -
JULES: Attempting to flee the only place to offer me secure sanctuary and go on the run is more stupid than attempting to play the piano upside down drinking a glass of water while balancing an anvil with your feet.
BORIS: You didn't hear the whole plan.
JULES: I don't need to. There's no logic behind the idea. It completely defies rationality. I don't possess such irrational logic defying abilities.

(F/X: TELEPHONE RINGING)

Excuse me.

(F/X: JULES LIFTS THE PHONE FROM THE HOOK)

(INTO THE PHONE) G'day, youre speaking to your friendly neighbourhood Jules Azzby.
BORIS: How I'm gonna break you out will be like this:
JULES: (STILL SPEAKING ON THE PHONE, IGNORING BORIS) Miss Ambassador! how pleasant to hear from you...
BORIS: (TRYING TO TALK TO JULES) I'll dress in a uniform owned by one of me friends in the carpet movers industry.
JULES: (ON PHONE) Yes, yes, I know, I've been in here for over six months.
BORIS: l come in here with a large rolled up carpet..
JULES: now it's longer than what you're used to, but I -...
BORIS: I'll spread it out on the floor, see,
JULES: Severe strain on international relations? I'm sorry to hear that, but it's out of the question to ask me to leave at the moment...
BORIS: You will then lie down.
JULES: No, as far as I'm concerned, I intend to stay here as long as I like...
BORIS: Then, I'll roll you up in it, y'know, like in those mafia movies, like, when they wanna dispose of a body,
JULES: I know it's not a hotel, but I ...
BORIS: Except I won't be disposing of you.
JULES Talking in the background? No, there's no-one in here with me, it's just an irritating noise that keeps proposing idiotic ideas...
(TO BORIS) I'm sorry, did you say something? I wasn't listening.
(INTO PHONE) No, I wasn't talking to you Miss Ambassador; I was talking to... myself.
(To BORIS) Boris, you have to leave, you can't be seen here.
BORIS: Fine, I'm going. But if you stay here any longer, children will stand outside your window and shout 'big fat meenie'.

(F/X EXIT BORIS; DOOR OPENS THEN SLAMS SHUT)
JULES: (INTO PHONE) No Miss Ambassador, it must have been the wind... yes... yes, I fully understand. Thank you.

(FADE OUT)

SCENE 3

(OUTSIDE THE FOREIGN EMBASSY, OUTSIDE VISA OFFICE; LONDON ONE DAY LATER)

(ATMOS: PEOPLE WAITING AND CHATTERING)
SECURITY GUARD: Will everybody please remain standing in line. Only one may enter the Embassy at a time. Everyone will eventually be given a pass.

(PHONE RINGS)

(Down mobile phone) Carpet-Movers R Us? Thanks for calling back. On behalf of the Ruritanian Embassy I wanted to see if we can get our carpets replaced...? Yes, inside the building... Can you send someone round today? ... That's excellent, thank you. Bye.

(F/X CAR DRIVES UP. BORIS STRUGGLES TO REMOVE CARPET)
BORIS: (HEAVING AND STRAINING) Come on, come out... Heave-ho...

(BORIS SUCCESSFULLY FREES CARPET)

There.

(WHISTLES TO HIMSELF)
SECURITY GUARD: Err, excuse me, sir.
BORIS: Who, me?
SECURITY GUARD: Yes, can I help you?
BORIS: Yeah, you couldn't open the door for me would ya? My hands are full.
SECURITY GUARD: I'm sorry, Sir, you are going to have to wait at the back of the line.
BORIS: The back of the line? But it stretches on forever.
SECURITY GUARD: I am very sorry, Sir, but I would be a very bad security guard if I let anybody skip the queue.
BORIS: But if you let me in, no-one has to know that you -
SECURITY GUARD: I'm sorry, Sir - the back of the line.
(BORIS GRUMBLES TO HIMSELF AS HE DRAGS THE CARPET AWAY)

SCENE 4

INSIDE: JULES APPARTMENT; SITTING ROOM.
JULES:
In the Control Room
Studio Manager: Richard Jeffrey-Gray
There is no better way to start the day than with a cup of fresh coffee.
(SIPS COFFEE) Oh, hot! And I must say, what a lovely morning it is too.

(JULES OPENS THE WINDOW. OUTSIDE THERE ARE FAINT SOUNDS OF TRAFFIC}

The sun is shining, the birds are singing, children are playing; what a day to wake up to. What could spoil a lovely day like today -

(OUTSIDE HIS WINDOW CHILDREN ARE CHANTING 'BIG FAT MEANIE' OVER AND OVER AGAIN)

Big fat meenie am I?

(JULES TIPS HIS COFFEE OUT OF THE WINDOW. CHILDREN SCREAM JULES SLAMS WINDOW SHUT)

Children should be seen not heard.

SCENE 5

( OUTSIDE THE FOREIGN EMBASSY, OUTSIDE VISA OFFICE; LONDON SOMETIME LATER.)
BORIS: There, I've waited in line for the past three hours, now can I finally enter?
SECURITY GUARD: Of course, Sir.
BORIS: Thank you.

(F/X: SECURITY GUARD OPENS DOOR FOR BORIS)
SECURITY GUARD: Hang on a minute; you wouldn't happen to be planning using that carpet as part of some elaborate and slightly ridiculous escape plan?
BORIS: (PAUSE) No... I'm just your ordinary mild-mannered carpet moving guy.
SECURITY GUARD: Oh, all right then. In you go.

(F/X EXIT BORIS; SECURITY GUARD SHUTS DOOR BEHIND HIM)

What an honest fellow. I sure am glad he wasn't conspiring to help JULES AZBY escape, (LAUGHS). If that ever happened, boy, would my face be red, (LAUGHS). And I would be completely responsible for it, (LAUGHING BECOMES HYSTERICAL).

SCENE 6

INSIDE: JULES APPARTMENT; SITTING ROOM. ENTER BORIS
BORIS: Morning Jules, I got the carpet.

(BORIS DROPS THE CAR ON THE FLOOR WITH A THUD)

Just lie down on it and I'll roll you up.
JULES: Boris! What?
BORIS: Come on, on to the carpet. Then we can gets outta here.
JULES: No, I told you yesterday, I'm not going anywhere. Nowhere at all. So bye-bye now.
BORIS: Jules, I spent alotta time crafting this plan; I wouldn't be your greatest fan if I didn't. Just get on the carpet, and we can hop-diddly over the hills and far away.
JULES: That doesn't make sense. I'm not going. I'm staying here.
BORIS: Jules, remember back when we both lived in Sydney? I would never have dreamed of ever using physical violence for any means.
JULES: Oh, good.
BORIS: But we're not in Sydney anymore, we're in London.

(F/X: BORIS KNOCKS JULES UNCONSCIOUS.)

Sorry Jules, but it's for your own good.

SCENE 7

OUTSIDE THE FOREIGN EMBASSY; LONDON

SECURITY GUARD WHISTLES A SIMPLE TUNE. BORIS STRUGGLES WITH THE CARPET. SECURITY GUARD OPENS DOOR.
BORIS: Think you can give me a and with this?
SECURITY GUARD: Sure. Blimey, it's heavy; got a body wrapped up in it or something?

INSIDE THE CARPET JULES GROANS (MUFFLED)

What was that?
BORIS: Err, just the carpet. Carpets always make funny noises when you roll 'em up. (LAUGHS NERVOUSLY)
SECURITY GUARD: You're not going to be able to fit it in there.
BORIS: In my car? Why not?
SECURITY GUARD: It's too small. Haven't you got a van?
BORIS: A van...? I... err... (THINKS) The plan's not gonna work. I gotta get outta' here. (To SECURITY GUARD) Bye.
SECURITY GUARD Hey, where are you going!?
BORIS: (FLUSTERED) Just remembered something very important. I'll be back in a minute.

EXIT BORIS. JULES GROANS (MUFFLED).
SECURITY GUARD: These carpets sure do make funny sounds.

F/X A VAN PULLS UP. ENTER CARPET-MOVER

They must be his helpers.
CARPET MOVER: Is this the Foreign Embassy?
SECURITY GUARD: Yes. Carpet's here.

F/X CARPET-MOVER LIFTS THE CARPET; JULES GROANS.
CARPET MOVER: What was that?
SECURITY GUARD: That was just the rug. Apparently they always make strange noises when you roll them up.

F/X CARPET-MOVER PUTS THE CARPET IN THE BACK OF THEIR VAN.

What are you going to do with it? Recycle it?
CARPET MOVER: Nah. With this one I'll think I'll just chuck in a landfill or somethin'. It's the end of my shift.

F/X CARPET-MOVERS SHUT THE VAN DOORS THEN DRIVE AWAY.
SECURITY GUARD: Funny people those carpet-movers. Very funny people.

Student Plays

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